


A Look Across (a fraction of) the Multiverse

by rhys_withoutaspoon



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alt er Love, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, Bipolar Disorder, Canon Compliant, Fluff and Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mention of a Canon Suicide Attempt, Parallel Universes, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-12-16 19:45:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11835759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhys_withoutaspoon/pseuds/rhys_withoutaspoon
Summary: Isak knew that Even might not be his forever. He couldn't find it in him to care, because Even was his now. And that was what mattered. But still...his mind wandered...Or, a look across the multiverse.





	A Look Across (a fraction of) the Multiverse

There are as many Isaks without Evens as there were with. Isak knows that. Isak knew that when you even stopped to consider infinities (and how he often stopped to consider it) your brain would melt before you could imagine a fraction of the possibilities. When people talk of parallel universes they consider Nazis winning World War II, or themselves having a completely different life from a singular decision they took. Take the job or not. Hook up or not. Get the promotion. Fail or pass. Yes or No. Isak did not think of it like that, despite how romantic and wonderful and terrifying the idea could be. Isak knew that in every millisecond every single person makes one out of an infinite decisions of thoughts, feelings and action, from a twitch of a finger to the angle of a step. Times that by a lifespan and times that lifespan by every single person to ever exist in the uncertainty of both the past, present, and future, and you have a lot of fucking infinity.  
  
Isak thought about this a lot.

And then you consider the infinity of decisions to get every single fucking person on earth to this exact place in this exact time is mind blowing. So yeah, Isak knew that out of infinities, the convergence of said decisions that led lying here with his gorgeous boyfriend in their apartment with yellow fucking curtains is a statistical odd so stupid it's not even worth thinking about.  
  
_(Hell there are as many universes without Isak in them in the first place as there is with. Or the entirety of Earth for that matter. It's more than stupid. It's more than ridiculous. And it's also the most terrifying thing his brain just has to come up with when its 3 am and he's trying to drift into sleep)_  
  
Isak still thinks about this a lot.  
  
But sometimes, when Even's heartbreakingly adorable sentimentality seeps into him, on those quiet nights where their very beings seem to bleed into each other, he ponders that maybe, just maybe, life is like one big film. Maybe there is an Isak for every Even. He treasures those nights more than any other moments in their life, where Isak's brain shuts up for once, and he isn't worrying about lying again. Nights where Even's breathing is slow and Isak isn't terrified that Even might be thinking he isn't good enough. Or that he's thinking Isak isn't enough.  Sometimes it's because they're stoned, giggling into the night and curling their fingers into the others hair. And sometimes it's just because neither of them have been sleeping, so they put on whatever movie they feel like, completely ignoring it in favour of just pressing their bodies together and gazing at each other in awe.  
  
This is not one of those nights. Tonight is far too loud for Isak and oppressively silent for Even. These are the worst nights, Isak thought, where a layer of discomfort sat over Even as he shied away from Isak's touch. And whereas Even describes these nights like he has been hollowed out from within, a haze settling over his heavy limbs and giving him the impression that he wasn't quite human anymore, Isak felt like he was all too real, and in this moment he forgets that happy endings can exist. The world overwhelms him in these nights, his brain racing against him, lapping him with thoughts about thoughts about thoughts.  
  
And thus he thinks on the many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many universes that exist, will exist, have existed.  
  
///  
_  
_

_i._

_  
_ In this universe they're together forever. It's messy - God it's messy; but it's just how their lives go. They almost quit nearly a hundred times over, leaving each other before colliding once more. Sometimes for an hour, sometimes for a year, and sometimes anything in between.  Once, after Isak graduated from University, his insecurities spiraling as he felt all options fall out from under his feet, his path to the rest of his life gone. He dove into booze and weed and sometimes something stronger; he always had drifted towards substance abuse to numb his pain. It took more than a few years to put him back together. It took more than a few years for Even to start trusting him again.  
  
_(in one universe, Even ran and never came back. in another, Isak hit the bottom of his spiral. in another, Isak never felt lost in the first place. it doesn't matter. it all happened)_  
  
Again, after one of Even's worse episodes that nearly got him killed, and Isak was too angry and Even was too scared. Or Even was too angry and Isak was too scared - it didn't really matter.  
_  
(that one's alternative possibilities were worse. And better. And everything in between - there's no point in attempting to list them all)_  
  
And again they broke apart - Isak got too careful around Even. And again - Even felt that Isak didn't want him. And again - Isak's anger got out of control. And again - Even was scared that Isak was cheating. And again and again and again and again.  
  
But they kept coming back. Again and again and again and again. A few bouts of messiness over a shared lifetime of those beautiful, small moments of pure happiness is not a bad deal in their view.  
  
In this universe they never get married. Isak was too scared of holding Even down, and Even was too scared that one day Isak would wake up and realise he didn't love him any more, as he did to Sonja. It helped that Jonas agreed, drunkenly yelling "fuck that heteronormative bullshit" when Isak had confided in him that he was scared of the prospect of marriage on one of their bro nights. When Even and Isak both confessed their fear, Even giggled, wrapping his arms around Isak and thanking him that they were in the universe where - in Isak's words from one of their more fond (and stoned) nights - "they talked shit out." Isak was grateful for Even breaking the tension and grinned back, simply happy to see the way Even's eyes crinkled in affection.  
  
_(Of course there's a universe where Even proposes, and Isak can't quite breathe. that branches into infinity more possibilities just from there. It still doesn't matter.)_  
  
They also never have kids. This one comes easy. They're both too messy, too intense. Isak whispers that he knows he'll leave, just like his dad did, and Even kisses him gently with tears in his eyes. He doesn't believe it, (if anyone's the runner it's him, his mind supplies unhelpfully) but he does refuse to make his child take care of him. He says this through slight tears, and Isak kisses them as they slowly roll down his nose. The easiest way to not turn into Isak's parents - a fear that haunts them both - is to never have kids in the first place. Even tells Isak that sometimes it feels like the coward's way. Isak hesitantly shakes his head, gently pressing a kiss to the corner of Even's mouth.  
  
"We are enough." Isak says resolutely, and his face set in determination makes Even feel as grounded as he could ever be. He nods slowly from his spot resting next to Isak. He curls into Isak, his nose against the nape of his neck as Isak puts his arms around him.  
  
Yes, he agrees, they are enough.  
  
_(there are, of course, universes where they have children. Some are better and unsurprisingly enough, a lot a worse. But you know this by now, right?)_  
  
(Sometimes they don't have children but they have a cat, called every name Even or Isak could think of) 

And it turns out they are enough. Minute by minute, day by day, year by year, they have a life shared. It’s not completely shining; it’s a rusted love as Isak and Even seep gold into the other’s broken form, letting their flaws glimmer with pure unadulterated love. But it’s enough. It’s always enough. 

///

_(there is an impossible amount of universes where the ending might be the same, though the beginning’s entirely different. Isak lets his mind wander into those unwanted spaces of thought.)_

///

 

_ii._

This universe has a different beginning, and it changes some things. Not all things. Never all things. But some. In this universe Even never left Bakka; he refused to run this time, whilst Isak merely kept running. In this universe they meet accidentally years later, a picture of cliche at a coffee shop, Isak furiously shoving down his feelings back into numbness and Even just too awe-struck to write his number on the coffee cup he hands Isak. They giggle over coffee preferences and Isak swears that he’ll never go to any other cafe ever again, Even laughing at his hyperbole but secretly hoping that Isak meant it. 

He did. 

( _Don’t think about the possibilities where they never saw each other again, merely a blip in each other’s lives. Don’t. Think. That. But you will. You always do.)_

And as Isak came back the next day with tired eyes but an ever-present gentle smile, Even realises that he might be falling too hard. Because when he falls, he crashes. Isak just wonders how the hell he, the-still-closet-case-wreck got the attention of such a beautiful guy. So maybe over the next few weeks they both tell themselves to get a grip and try to push away from the other. Maybe over the next few weeks they both completely fail at that. Maybe not. 

( _remember that it all happened.)_

Mikael tells Even to get a grip and ask the boy out, the boy that has dug into Even’s mind like the best kind of parasite. Jonas doesn’t know. Isak doesn’t tell him. Eskild definitely does, but he’s kind enough to not call him baby-gay in front of anyone else. Isak is too grateful for that, though he never gets the courage to tell him. He thinks his guru knows anyway. Well, he hopes.

_(He tells Jonas and maybe cries a little. Jonas does too, feeling guilty that he never realised sooner what his friend was going through. But it doesn’t matter here. That doesn’t happen here.)_

Even pushes with half-winks and doodles and light touches and maybe Isak lets him get away with it, pushing back and willing Even to notice. He doesn’t. 

_(he does. now watch the universe branch out.)_

Isak pushes with smirks and laughter that makes his nose crinkle and stares into Even’s eyes with these eyes that ask for the world, and god Even would give it to him. 

But. 

But.

But then he tries to give Isak the world.

It’s a rainy day and the cafe was almost closed, Isak half-waiting for Even to finish, half trying to finish an assignment for uni. The weather is gross, and so is Isak. Since Noora came back from London and her boyfriend in tears, Isak said he would get a place. Instead, he;s been couch-hopping for a week and finding no hope of stopping, considering he does not have enough money for an apartment of his own, even with the money his daddy-dearest sends him (like that’s a substitute for actually caring about him, he thinks bitterly). He knows logically that if he asked to move back in Eskild would let him in a heartbeat, but something in Isak’s dumb brain was stopping him. So he didn’t. He knew it was stupid. 

( _maybe if he wasn’t feeling so bad that day it would’ve changed something. scratch that. you know it would.)_

Even could tell that Isak was not-good but he left it alone, simply trying to cheer Isak up by distracting him from the painful assignment. As the cafe closes, they leave together, too involved in themselves to notice the foul weather. They get caught outside in the rain. 

Even looks at him with those eyes that haunts Isak. He smiled softly. Somehow they leaned closer.

they leaned closer.

rain soaking their skin.

they leaned closer still.

closer.

lips parted,

 eyes heavy.

closer.

 

Isak ran.

 

_(they kissed and it was beautiful and stupid and romantic and Isak thought maybe he could do this. maybe he could love a boy like this, like he always wanted.)_

Even didn’t chase him. 

_(he ran and ran and he found him and it was every bit of a romantic gesture as he dreamed about.)_

He disappears for weeks and Isak’s too fucking scared. And yet. They somehow found each other again. Maybe that’s a constant in every universe.

_(you know it’s not but it’s nice to think, isn’t it?)_

Isak tells Jonas and maybe cries a little. Jonas does too, feeling guilty that he never realised sooner what his friend was going through. It was an eventuality, perhaps. Isak finds Even as well, standing at the register of a mediocre coffee shop with tired eyes and a gentle smile. 

“What do we do in this minute?”

“In this minute, we kiss.”

“That’s chill.”

Maybe their love story was a little delayed, and a little messy. But isn’t it always? And maybe in this universe, they do marry. Maybe they even have kids. How about that, huh?

///

_(there are a million tragedies, but you ignore them. don’t think about where you would be if he succeeded on dying the first time. don’t think about where you would be if you never found him at the bench. that’s dumb. don’t think about it.)_

///

 

_iii._

Somehow there’s a universe where they never meet. Given that every single possibility exists at once, this one does too, no matter how much it hurts. Where they just simply never bump into each other for every single reason. 

This Isak isn’t lonely forever. This Even isn’t a broken wreck. But they’re not together and somehow that’s the worst thought imaginable. 

_(of course in saying that, there is an Isak that is lonely forever, and an Even that shatters. They all exist.)_

Isak is somewhat forced out of the closet in this universe, when his friends catch him drunkenly groping the cute guy from work. His world shatters for a moment, but he picks the pieces up through stuttering excuses, realising that he can’t get out of this one. But it turns out okay; his friends are constants in a sea of chaos and arseholes. 

_(...you know there are versions where it all goes wrong. but this is already bad enough; don’t go there)_

Even does still break-up with Sonja, and although it takes him a while, he falls for a lanky genderqueer enby with a sharp smile and unruly blonde hair. It’s hard and it’s messy and he still is bipolar, but he finds a place for himself. 

_(well isn’t that ironic? who ever said he didn’t have a type, eh?)_

And maybe Isak is still a little too numb and Even isn’t grounded enough but it’s not the end of the world. They do eventually cross paths for a moment. There’s no swelling strings or sordid affairs. They meet eyes for the first and last time. That’s it. Not the end of the world.

_(but it is for you, because thinking about this universe hurts more than it should)_

///

_(maybe it’s better if you don’t think about that one. or any of them. maybe)_

///

 

_now._

Isak forces himself out of his brain as he hears Even shift next to him. He turns over, the heavy duvet caught up between his legs, making it loud and more of an effort than it should have been. Even’s back faces him now, his shoulders tense and clearly awake. It’s in these moments he struggles to remember what to do; he doesn’t want to touch Even if he doesn’t want it, but right now all he wants to do is bury his face in the back of his neck and kiss both their thoughts away. He places a gentle hand on Even’s arm, and Even twists his neck to look at him. The expression on Even guts him, his eyes red and heavy, a new scab on his lips bleeding slightly. 

“Hey.” Isak barely whispers, more of an exhale than speech.

“Hey.” Even says, avoiding his eyes as he makes no move to face him. 

“Do you mind if I put my arms around you?” Isak keeps his hand on Even’s arm, touch light and loving. Even shakes his head and nudges back a bit, into Isak’s arms. Isak wraps them Even’s side, his hands lying lightly on Even’s stomach. Isak gently kisses his neck where his hair ends, and then rests his head into Even’s shoulder, nudging the skin with his nose, breathing deeply.

“I know we don’t know how this is going to turn out but...thanks. For now. For this minute.” Even’s voice is hoarse and Isak smiles. It was better than the overused three words, in his opinion. But more than that, Isak was just awestruck about how much he did love Even, especially when he came up with new ways of saying 'I love you' every single night.

“Right back at you.” Isak speaks into Even, hoping his words are heard. From the tension dissipating in Even, Isak supposed they were.  Isak knew that Even might not be his forever. He couldn't find it in him to care, because Even was his now. And that was what mattered. He let himself enjoy this minute, focusing on the Even in this universe in this moment, not any others.

It was better that way.

**Author's Note:**

> And that’s it! That was my first Skam fic, and it ended up being a little longer than I thought it would be. Oh well.
> 
> NOTE: I am not neurodivergent or mlm, so if this is really iffy, please let me know and I’ll either change it or delete it. Thanks for reading!


End file.
